I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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