i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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