Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
