I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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