I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
