omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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