Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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