We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
