and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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