Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
