I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
