I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
