I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
