I hate your face
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
