Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
