My liver just broke up with me...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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