Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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