the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
