Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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