his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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