she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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