I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
