Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
