There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
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Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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