Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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