i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
