Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
