My room smells like vodka and shame
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
