It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
