I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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