Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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