just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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