when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
