the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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