cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
