Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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