I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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