3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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