Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I can text with my tongue
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
