So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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