need another drink. this is the easiest way
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
