Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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