JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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