so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
