bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
where are my pants?
in the oven.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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