My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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