; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
