i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
