Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Randomize
