i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
