He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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