He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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