she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
