Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
