man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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