The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
