I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
