I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
