how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
