The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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