he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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